Ah, yes, summer! Everyone’s favorite time of year. The scorching sun glaring down on your back at the beach, the smell of a sizzling barbecue at your neighbor’s house, and best of all… no school! EVERYONE looks forward to this time of year, right? Is there anyone who doesn’t love summer?!
Unfortunately, that person is me. Unlike most people, I dread summer. And it’s not because of the heat that makes me sweat, or the sunscreen that gives me a rash, or the sand that gets stuck beneath my fingernails. Rather, it’s because of one thing: no school.
I know what you’re thinking… what the hell?! When I learned this about myself, that was my reaction, too. It took me many years to figure out that this was the ironic reason I get depressed during the summer.
I used to tell myself that the sole purpose of summer was to “forget about school.”
No more homework, papers, or tests. But it was the lack of these things that made me feel cold during these excruciatingly hot days. Strangely enough, I function best when I’m on a very tight schedule. There’s something about being busy that gives me a rush, something about moving on from one thing to the next, to the next, and then to the next, and then to the… (hopefully you understand my point). For me, being busy is a coping mechanism. It distracts me from my OCD and anxiety, and prevents me from entering a depressed state.
During the summer, I am not on this busy schedule. Actually, I’m not really on any schedule at all. It’s this lack of stimulation that enables me to be alone with my thoughts and feelings… enter a new realm that I like to call a “thought spiral.”
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is often misunderstood. It is much more than perfectionism, and isn’t about being organized. In fact, my room is a complete disaster (sorry, Mom). OCD is a disorder in which one has obsessive, usually corrupt and irrational thoughts that are extremely intrusive. This causes a great deal of anxiety, leading to compulsions, or repetitive behaviors that cause temporary relief. This cycle repeats. For me, being preoccupied with school, clubs, and sports enables me to be focused on things other than just worrying. But when summer comes, my thoughts and feelings oppress me all at once, and my OCD kicks in.
At first, I thought I was alone. Who else would be anxious and depressed during the summer?! But after doing a bit of research, I learned about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).
The Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder "thought spiral"
According to Mayo Clinic, SAD is a type of depression that relates to changes in the seasons. It is very common, with more than 3 million US cases per year. About 90% of those with the disorder experience depression in the fall and winter, meaning that the remaining 10% experience depression in the spring and summer.
When I found this out this past summer, it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. The weight of feeling alone. It was validation that I was not crazy, and people out there were going through the same struggles as me. I finally began to accept myself and embrace my struggles — the first step of healing.